Last night I broke down. I didn’t want to go out and social anxiety struck again. I only ended up going out because my husband wanted to go, and I still had a tiny spark of interest in what this church life group event would look like. I felt sad and it was in my throat. Not a sadness that anyone had caused, but something I guess to do with a lack of personal at-home time (I’m a major introvert, guys), and probably that I haven’t had a one-on-one with God in a week or more and have been feeling it for the last few days…
I sat in the car about to turn the key in the engine, but I stopped.
“I really don’t feel like going tonight.”
“You’ll be alright. We don’t have to stay the whole time,” Stephen replied. This made me feel better that he was with me, and meant I had flexibility – so off we went.
To be honest, I was already feeling like crap, not only because of the God-time thing, but also because i hadn’t had anything proper to eat for dinner, and my body hates that. No, I don’t have diabetes, low blood pressure, or an iron deficiency. From the lack of ideas from the doctors it looks like I have “nothing wrong” – meaning that the tests were useless and I’m still going to have to deal with this stupid thing daily. Anyway, that’s off topic.
So I was starting to fade by now. We arrived at the 250+ people event. We found a friend and briefly talked, but soon moved on. We wanted to find our life group members, but couldn’t find them (when I say ‘we wanted’ I really just meant that Stephen wanted, and it was just something I had to do. I wanted to be far away).
We sat at a large square outdoor table and retreated to our phones as we snuggled up in the cold night air.
Cue awkwardness.
Two people sat on the opposite side of the table – no biggy. But they soon brought friends. In a moment the table was full and I found myself sitting next to someone I didn’t know and all these people crowded the table. I wouldn’t have minded except that we didn’t know anyone, didn’t want to know them, and everyone was facing inwards so they could all see we were the odd ones out as they introduced eachother. My internal anxiety reading hit the roof and I started to get squeamish and whispered to Stephen about my discomfort (my whispering isn’t quiet).
I went into a downward spiral in public image and social capability. At one stage I repeated over and over “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to be here, Stephen. I don’t want to be here.” I went all childish and made a couple of obviously uncomfortable humming noises because of my close proximity to these people. I was so unbelievably uncomfortable, sad, stressed, hungry, and wanting to run away all at one time.
I turned around to see the guy next to me had scooted off. I probably scared him.
Man, it was a rough night for the both of us. Stephen didn’t understand what was happening with me, and I was having a freak out session. I eventually asked if we could go. The actual event hadn’t started at this point as it was just the pre-event food and socialising.
I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I was starting to feel weak and not so responsive in thought and in what my eyes were seeing. Stephen and I walked up to the car with me wrapped tightly around his body for emotional comfort before flying out of the car park. All I can say is thank goodness we’re both introverts and that I have a greatly supportive husband.
What a stupid waste of time that was. I didn’t get dinner. We drove for about 45 minutes total for no reason. I felt like crap. I broke down in public. I arrived home tired and weary.
Overall, it was a stupid decision to go out feeling like that and we both learnt some things here.
- Listen to your feelings and thoughts – don’t dismiss the severity of them.
- Husband comfort is required in times like this. And a lot of it.
- PRAYER is of the utmost importance. God brings light to every situation and He provides practical guidance to us as individuals and as a couple in these times.
- The aim is to always take something away from what happens to us, whether that be growth, understanding, spiritual awareness and spiritual reliance, or anything good.
On the bright side, Stephen and I sat on our bed and played a couple of rounds of Battleship and Boggle after a good snack and some cuddles and prayer. The night ended on a good note.
I love my husband.
Thoughts of Another Creation 