The Me Before Jesus

My heart was empty,
My mind a scattered mess,
My life a string of selfish nonsense,
And I was tortured by my heartaches;

But now this heart you have filled,
This mind given peace by your Holy Spirit,
This life is now directioned by your love and will,
And although the heartaches go on I live a little easier, smile a little bigger and carry on a little stronger because I have the creator of all things loving me, carrying me, and instilling joy where sometimes there might not of been any.

Things are not the same without Jesus – I am not the same without Jesus. This heartache is not for nothing. There are no coincidences, and the concept of there being power in “the universe” is a flimsy airy-fairy thing with no weight to it in comparison to you, our great God who is with us!

 

My Double Entendre Experience

 

Just now I was reflecting on this nice photo of me at the pier at a local waterfront and the uncomfortable memory that is attached to it. I had started writing about it and you know what? It seemed as though I was reading back a general encompassing story of what it’s like being a Christian who strives after God, but becomes frightened when disaster or confusion strikes. Or even when [I] become forgetful of the almighty power of God’s REAL presence and hand in [my] individual [life]. It reminded me of the wide variety of problems we face as believers and human beings; the way we should respond, and the way we sometimes choose the wrong response.

Here’s what I wrote. Find the double entendre:

I became stuck. Not because I had an obstacle blocking the way, but because the location made my head spin. The waves gently licked the narrow walkway as I stood unmoving. I couldn’t turn, I couldn’t go forward, and there was no way I was going to exit backwards. I felt heavy and a bit shaky. I waited for my friend to come running back, but her return was slow. I needed a helping hand but I didn’t want to yell out for help.

…Sound familiar?

My Crap Night of Anxiety

Last night I broke down. I didn’t want to go out and social anxiety struck again. I only ended up going out because my husband wanted to go, and I still had a tiny spark of interest in what this church life group event would look like. I felt sad and it was in my throat. Not a sadness that anyone had caused, but something I guess to do with a lack of personal at-home time (I’m a major introvert, guys), and probably that I haven’t had a one-on-one with God in a week or more and have been feeling it for the last few days…

I sat in the car about to turn the key in the engine, but I stopped.

“I really don’t feel like going tonight.”

“You’ll be alright. We don’t have to stay the whole time,” Stephen replied. This made me feel better that he was with me, and meant I had flexibility – so off we went.

To be honest, I was already feeling like crap, not only because of the God-time thing, but also because i hadn’t had anything proper to eat for dinner, and my body hates that. No, I don’t have diabetes, low blood pressure, or an iron deficiency. From the lack of ideas from the doctors it looks like I have “nothing wrong” – meaning that the tests were useless and I’m still going to have to deal with this stupid thing daily. Anyway, that’s off topic.

So I was starting to fade by now. We arrived at the 250+ people event. We found a friend and briefly talked, but soon moved on. We wanted to find our life group members, but couldn’t find them (when I say ‘we wanted’ I really just meant that Stephen wanted, and it was just something I had to do. I wanted to be far away).

We sat at a large square outdoor table and retreated to our phones as we snuggled up in the cold night air.

Cue awkwardness.

Two people sat on the opposite side of the table – no biggy. But they soon brought friends. In a moment the table was full and I found myself sitting next to someone I didn’t know and all these people crowded the table. I wouldn’t have minded except that we didn’t know anyone, didn’t want to know them, and everyone was facing inwards so they could all see we were the odd ones out as they introduced eachother. My internal anxiety reading hit the roof and I started to get squeamish and whispered to Stephen about my discomfort (my whispering isn’t quiet).

I went into a downward spiral in public image and social capability. At one stage I repeated over and over “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to be here, Stephen. I don’t want to be here.” I went all childish and made a couple of obviously uncomfortable humming noises because of my close proximity to these people. I was so unbelievably uncomfortable, sad, stressed, hungry, and wanting to run away all at one time.

I turned around to see the guy next to me had scooted off. I probably scared him.

Man, it was a rough night for the both of us. Stephen didn’t understand what was happening with me, and I was having a freak out session. I eventually asked if we could go. The actual event hadn’t started at this point as it was just the pre-event food and socialising.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I was starting to feel weak and not so responsive in thought and in what my eyes were seeing. Stephen and I walked up to the car with me wrapped tightly around his body for emotional comfort before flying out of the car park. All I can say is thank goodness we’re both introverts and that I have a greatly supportive husband.

What a stupid waste of time that was. I didn’t get dinner. We drove for about 45 minutes  total for no reason. I felt like crap. I broke down in public. I arrived home tired and weary.

Overall, it was a stupid decision to go out feeling like that and we both learnt some things here.

1. Listen to your feelings and thoughts – don’t dismiss the severity of them.
2. Husband comfort is required in times like this. And a lot of it.
3. PRAYER is of the utmost importance. God brings light to every situation and He provides practical guidance to us as individuals and as a couple in these times.
4. The aim is to always take something away from what happens to us, whether that be growth, understanding, spiritual awareness and spiritual reliance, or anything good.

 

On the bright side, Stephen and I sat on our bed and played a couple of rounds of Battleship and Boggle after a good snack and some cuddles and prayer. The night ended on a good note.

 

I love my husband.

 

 

*Image sourced from http://shadownymphnyx.tumblr.com

Self-Imposed Isolation

Where is my pursuit of Christ?
My day-to-day life for Him seems non-existent.

This dullness and grey that looms is the presence that I have let myself fall to.
In this space is the lessoned, if not non-existent luminance of God.

The intricacies of me and my goodness feel as though they have moved away now;
they have not been fed in a while.
And as they reside without the light of God, they are tormented by the darkness inside. There the shadow tricksters come out to play with my mind and my heart.
I can’t stand this. Who am I again?

Jesus, I sit here praying but unable to hear you, feel you, focus on you…
I did this. Why?

 

God’s Love Restores Self-Worth

This selfishness inside me is actually what causes my fall in self-worth. Only the love of God retrieves the spirit inside of us from darkness. We cannot get it on our own. I think I choose this false betterment sometimes because it’s temporary happiness or fulfilment. God, I need you!